We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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