I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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