Ketchup is God's man juice
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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