I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
