i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
