why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
send nudes
from the living room?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
