Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
