oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
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