He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
