I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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