I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
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When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
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Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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