the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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