mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
