My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
