seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
