yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
