I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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