I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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