we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
