Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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