Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
