If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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