i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
