I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
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