i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
