not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
