Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
