I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
