I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I deserve this hangover.
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