I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
