Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you will always have a special place in my vag
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
