she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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