You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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