i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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