i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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