Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
