I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
