I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
