if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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