I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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