What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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