he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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