So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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