If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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