I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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