I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
