she woke up with a sticky ear
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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