I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
