Your tits are I can't wait for
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
