I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
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I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
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I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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