I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
There's always time for handjobs
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
