Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
