dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Randomize
