I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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