come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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