hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
